This week we have been discussing different theories about the family. These theories try to explain why certain behaviors and attitudes exist in families.
One theory is called Family Systems Theory. The idea of this theory is that a family must be analyzed as a whole, not as separate parts. The family works together like one big machine. One piece not working could be caused by another not working.
Under this family systems theory, there are also sub groups. A husband and wife would hopefully be a group, but there can also be mother/son, mother/daughter, father/son, father/daughter, or siblings. In a family that functions well, the husband and wife group are also the executive or decision/authority group. Sometimes when there is friction between parents or one is absent a child gets pulled into that decision/authority role.
We all fill a role in our family system. That role is your part of the system. Sometimes it is decided through birth order, strengths, or talents. Other times it is thrust upon us as a way of coping with family struggles. Think about your family. What is your role? Maybe you see it differently than your siblings or parents do. I often feel like the organizer or care taker. I was the second oldest in a family of fifteen children. There was never a time in my life where there wasn’t a younger sibling around. My parents were good parents that were responsible and took care of their duties, but with such a large family, many duties were shared. I knew that I would be babysitting at least once a week while my parents had a night out. I also had a tag along on family outings that I was responsible for-the buddy system at its finest! I also had some household chores I was responsible for. Thus, my role was organizer/care taker so that I could manage the duties given to me.
As an adult I still fall into that role most of the time. Many of us do. You may revert to mom taking care of your meals or laundry when you go home. When my family gets together, I am still an organizer/care taker. I see to the details and comfort of those around me. Most of the time I enjoy this role and I feel like it gives me a purpose. I promote family together time. Sometimes, I can see that taking on role like this isn’t healthy. My siblings, who are also adults now, may not appreciate my take charge attitude. Even if they do appreciate it, I may not be giving others the opportunity to grow into leadership roles the way then need to.
Some people have a good balance and understand where they belong in a family. They leave the family of their origin and create a new one. In that new family they co-lead and have clear boundaries so that there is a sense of safety and contentment in the home.
On the other hand, some struggle to create a new family. They are constantly drawn back to the family of their origin. The new family they try to create suffers. Their new roles of husband or wife, father or mother take a back seat to their long-time role of son, daughter or sibling.
This has made me stop and take stock. First, trying to understand what my role was as a child. Then working to understand if I have been flexible enough to let me role shift as my family changed, as I became part of a new family system. I can see a lot of good, but also, maybe some things that could change.
I always forget to check this until later. Sorry! I like this. I was kind of the same as you as you grew and moved out of the home I kind of took your place as care taker and organizer. Mom said that I used to be so sweet when I was younger, but then got bossy as i became a care taker. I guess it gave me some good experience to draw on as a mom and I've learned a lot more along the way. I'm the organizer in my own home, but when we get together as extended family I let others take the lead. Mostly because I don't care too much what we do as long as we're together and because I don't want to step on anyone's toes. I have had a bit of a hard time finding my place in my new family. Sometimes i still feel like a kid and feel like my kids are my siblings and that I've been put in charge of them and I'm trying to figure out how to go about managing, refereeing, teaching and loving them. I've also had to watch myself and make sure my "new" family's needs and feelings are considered before my "old" family's are. It is kind of a confusing adjustment to make.
ReplyDeleteIt is an adjustment to remember to take care of your "new" family's needs first. Especially in early marriage years. You have been with your family of origin longer. There are feelings of loyalty and love towards them. It takes some effort to put your newly created family first.
DeleteAs a child I was one of the "little girls" for a long time that name was stuck to me like glue.I didn't always like that because I felt that what I said was not important because I was a "little girl". When I turned 18 and became an official adult. I still felt my family saw me as one of the little girls. As I have grown and gotten more comfortable with myself I feel I am seen as an adult by my family, friends and I myself feel like an adult now. My husband oftens says I am a "Deidra" for the younger siblings. They often call to talk to me. Sometimes they call to complain about hard things, sometimes asking advice and other times to share good news. Many of them have come to live with me. I was a stopping spot in their lives as they got started in new adventures.
ReplyDeleteI can take charge and have done so, but find that it is stressful because I want to please everyone. I am usually more happy when someone else takes charge, but I have to remember it is stressful and can be anxiety inducing. When I remember how I feel about it, then I can be open to helping making things lighter for others.
In my life now as a mother and wife, I often find myself letting my husband choose what we do. I know he apperciates when I choose what we are going to watch, or what we are going to eat, or where we are going, because it allows him to have a break, and then he knows I am interested in what we are doing. Even when I dont really mind what we will be doing,I try to choose. I think itw important to stretch ourselves and sometimes that means taking on different roles that we arent use to or comfortable with.
That is funny that you commented on the "little girl" idea. I brought that up as an example in class. There were the big kids and the little kids. Even though we are all adults, it can be hard to get out of those roles. I think it definitely takes effort on both sides. Those that are older have to value the thoughts and opinions of their younger siblings. The younger siblings have to be brave and jump into the big kid pool. It will be interesting to see how our roles evolve throughout the years.
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