This week was fun in my class.  We talked about preparing for marriage.  The main focus of the discussion was the importance of dating.

The dating culture in my little town is bizarre.  High School kids go to elaborate efforts to ask others to the school dances.  It often involves posters, candy, doorbell ditching, and even flash mobs.  Sometimes the efforts are video taped to post on social media later.  After one is asked, the invited returns answer with equally elaborate plans.  The kids don’t seem to feel that you can just call someone up and ask them on a date.

After the kids ask someone to the dance, they also plan a “day date” for before the dance.  These often last several hours.  These “dates” are a marathon!  So much effort and money are put into these dates that the kids don’t date much between the events.

The college kids have struggles of their own.  I think because they attend a religious institution that encourages focus on marriage, they get confused and skip right over casual dating to courtship.  Meaning they don’t get to know many different people in different situations before they pair off exclusively.  They pair off after one good date and get more serious than the relationship really warrants.

There are a few dangers in these practices.  The all-important step of casual dating is being skipped.  If you are casually dating, you don’t expect the relationship to become a romance.  It doesn’t mean it can’t lead there, but that isn’t your focus starting out. Casual dating needs to meet three simple requirements.  It needs to be planned, paid for, and paired off.  There are a multitude of options.  Ice cream and a walk around the park, hiking, cultural events, a picnic, roller skating, service projects, or cooking together.   

Why does it matter whether or not you date a lot?  Dating gives you the opportunity to understand what personality traits inspire, uplift, and recharge you.  Going on more than one date with a person helps you to see how they will react in different situations.  Are they head strong, bossy, or controlling?  Are they patient, fun-loving, or talkative? 

Casual dating also gives you the opportunity to hone skills you will need for a healthy marriage later.  According to “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, we understand that some of mens main responsibilities are to preside, protect, and provide in a family.  Women are primarily responsible for nurturing.  Dating gives many opportunities to practice these roles.  When a man makes the effort to ask a woman out and plan a date, he is presiding or organizing and overseeing the date.  When he comes up with the resources to make the date happen, he practices providing.  When he looks after the comfort and well-being of his date he practices protecting.  Women are able to practice nurturing on a date as they make an effort to enjoy and engage in planned activities.  She can help the man to understand what is important with her kind feedback.  She can also nurture his self-confidence as she shows appreciation for his efforts.

I don’t want you to think that I am pushing for casual dating forever. Steady dating or courtship are a good and necessary step leading to engagement and marriage.  When a young person is at a stage in life where they can commit to someone completely, steady dating is encouraged.  I just think that when we skip to steady dating without a lot of casual dating first, we damage our chances of finding a truly good match for ourselves.  We also miss out on the opportunity to develop the skills we will need to fill our roles later in marriage.  

How can we shift the culture of dating back to a healthier one?

This week in class we covered a pretty sensitive topic.  We discussed the eternal nature of gender.  We read several studies and articles that showed gender differences that are apparent from birth.  We also talked about how this related to the LGBTQ community and families.

This can be an explosive topic.  Those that have same sex attraction (SSA) or gender dysphoria (GD-identifying as the opposite gender) have often felt attacked.  Conversely, those that feel same sex attraction or gender dysphoria can be treated or “cured” are often labeled as homophobic or bigots.

I have many people I love that have been in the middle of these struggles.   I have watched them try to navigate these waters and I truly ache for them.  I hope that the things I share today don’t cause additional injury. 

Often in the media these days we hear that people with SSA or GD are born that way.  We may have been told there is a gene that causes this.  If we go back to the studies that supposedly claimed this, we can see that those were not the conclusions of the studies at all.  The media jumped on one little portion of the studies, often out of context, and ran with it.  Many of those that organized the studies corrected the erroneous assumptions, but they weren’t loud enough to undo the media craze.  In a study called “Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable? What Science Can and Cannot Say,” Lisa Diamond, noted: "It may well be that for now, the safest way to advocate for lesbian/gay/bisexual rights is to keep propagating a deterministic model: sexual minorities are born that way and can never be otherwise. If this is an easier route to acceptance (which may in fact be the case), is it really so bad that it is inaccurate?”

Whether or not I agree with the choices those with SSA and GD make, I can definitely get behind loving them.  Many would see accepting all of their lifestyle actions as loving.  I see that as tolerant, but not necessarily loving.  I believe that the loving thing to do is to help people be as happy and healthy as possible. 

Why do I care to share information that might suggest that you are not born with SSA or GD? Studies show that acting on SSA or GD often cause more depression and anxiety in individuals.  Those that decide to follow through on surgical sex-reassignment had a 20x increased likelihood of suicide. Individuals that engage in homosexual behavior have a highly increased rate of STD’s (including HIV for men particularly).  Of course, some of my concern also comes from my belief that engaging in homosexual behaviors or going to the extreme of sex-reassignment may distance you from the path that leads back to eternal life with our loving Heavenly Father. I share these things because love is showing a concern for the welfare of others.

I don’t pretend that these few paragraphs explain everything surrounding the issue.  They are my little soundbite from class discussion this week.  What I’ve shared outlines some of the dangers associated with engaging in homosexual and GD behaviors.

Agency is huge in all of this.  There are those that don’t want change even when they understand the risks of their behavior.  We see this in different aspects of people’s lives.  They may choose to indulge in drinking alcohol, gambling, toxic relationships, and so on.  The same is true for this subject. Some don’t want change and I don’t think it should be a forced issue.  I also don’t think we should love them any less than those that engage in other behaviors.  I understand that choice has consequence and that both sides of this issue have hefty consequences individuals have to deal with.  Only they can decide which burden they will shoulder.

I do believe that they should have help if they want to avoid engaging in these behaviors or leave them behind. That can only happen if individuals that are struggling know that there are resources out there. The propaganda surrounding this may make it hard to find the resources they need, but there is help for those looking for it.

I don’t believe I know everything about this issue, most of us have only scratched the surface.  I hope that sharing these things I have learned offer hope not condemnation and that you understand I share them to offer hope, love, and support for those that are experiencing unwanted SSA or GD.

If you’d like to take a look at the readings from class, check out the following:

Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: Where to Turn and How to Help https://www.amazon.com/Where-Turn-How-Help-Understanding/dp/B00KCVKNW2/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Understanding+Same-Sex+Attraction%3A+Where+to+Turn+and+How+to+Help&qid=1581104596&sr=8-2

https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/06/15145/

https://www.acpeds.org/normalizing-gender-dysphoria-is-dangerous-and-unethical?utm_source=email+marketing+Mailigen&utm_campaign=News+8.10.16&utm_medium=email

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM

Family Traditions

When you hear the word traditions, how do you feel?  Does it bring feelings of family unity, love, shared experiences? I hope it does, but sadly it may not. 

Traditions are inherited patterns of belief or behavior.  Usually we inherit them from our own parents and grandparents, but there may also be cultural traditions that communities embrace.  Because many of our traditions are inherited from our family, we may struggle to adapt or change traditions when we create our own families. 

We know from scripture that traditions can be righteous or unrighteous.  When we create our own families, it would be wise to weed through our traditions with our spouse to see if any are unrighteous.  This might sound like an obvious and easy thing to do.  I don’t know if it is always completely straight forward.  A tradition should build and edify a family and through that process unite them together and with God.  If it doesn’t do that, if it causes strife or contention, then it might be unrighteous for your family.  You may have grown up with a tradition that did unite your family, but if you try to continue it with your extended family, it might tear your newly created family apart.  In that case, it no longer serves its purpose as a righteous tradition.

The idea that traditions have to change or even be discarded from time to time will come up again and again throughout your life.  The most obvious time might be when you leave home or get married.  When your parents live in Seattle, WA and you are in Rexburg, ID it is not feasible for you to go home for Sunday dinner every week.  Even if you live close to your parents, maybe your spouse’s parents also live close.  Whose house to you go to for Sunday dinner now?  Or do you start the tradition of Sunday dinners at your own home?

As your children grow and mature, holding to a tradition of watching shows they loved when they were five might cause resentment at age sixteen.

When your children grow up and move out, you may struggle. Sometimes the traditions you have carefully crafted are discarded.  Despite this, it is important that we support righteous traditions that each family chooses to implement in their homes.

I was recently talking to a new friend in my class.  I loved her take on this idea.  As her kids have grown and moved out, she has adjusted traditions.  They have a few family ideas that form their traditions.  One of those is simply “We spend time together as a family.”  She isn’t rigid about certain holidays or events. Instead she focusses her efforts on the outcome: continued and increased family unity.  She works to be flexible and support her children’s individual family units through her actions.  It is beautiful!

There are also some traditions that can pass from generation to generation: regular church attendance, paying tithing, daily prayer, and regular recreational activities as a family.  I grew up with these and they can be used in my family now.  

I have noticed that as one generation passes on righteous traditions like church attendance or daily prayer, the next generation often finds it easier to incorporate these with little effort and then add to them.  The original traditions have become good habits so efforts can be put toward new goals: increased temple attendance, family history work, missionary service, etc.

I hope that the things I am learning about traditions will help me to be flexible going forward.  I want to regularly take stock of where my family and I are at and whether or not our traditions are uniting us. By doing this, I think traditions can be a powerful influence for good in my family.

Family Systems

This week we have been discussing different theories about the family.  These theories try to explain why certain behaviors and attitudes exist in families.

One theory is called Family Systems Theory.  The idea of this theory is that a family must be analyzed as a whole, not as separate parts.  The family works together like one big machine.  One piece not working could be caused by another not working.

Under this family systems theory, there are also sub groups.  A husband and wife would hopefully be a group, but there can also be mother/son, mother/daughter, father/son, father/daughter, or siblings.  In a family that functions well, the husband and wife group are also the executive or decision/authority group.  Sometimes when there is friction between parents or one is absent a child gets pulled into that decision/authority role.

We all fill a role in our family system.  That role is your part of the system. Sometimes it is decided through birth order, strengths, or talents.  Other times it is thrust upon us as a way of coping with family struggles.  Think about your family.  What is your role?  Maybe you see it differently than your siblings or parents do.  I often feel like the organizer or care taker.  I was the second oldest in a family of fifteen children. There was never a time in my life where there wasn’t a younger sibling around.  My parents were good parents that were responsible and took care of their duties, but with such a large family, many duties were shared.  I knew that I would be babysitting at least once a week while my parents had a night out.  I also had a tag along on family outings that I was responsible for-the buddy system at its finest!  I also had some household chores I was responsible for. Thus, my role was organizer/care taker so that I could manage the duties given to me.

As an adult I still fall into that role most of the time. Many of us do.  You may revert to mom taking care of your meals or laundry when you go home.  When my family gets together, I am still an organizer/care taker.  I see to the details and comfort of those around me.  Most of the time I enjoy this role and I feel like it gives me a purpose.  I promote family together time. Sometimes, I can see that taking on role like this isn’t healthy.  My siblings, who are also adults now, may not appreciate my take charge attitude.  Even if they do appreciate it, I may not be giving others the opportunity to grow into leadership roles the way then need to.

Some people have a good balance and understand where they belong in a family. They leave the family of their origin and create a new one.  In that new family they co-lead and have clear boundaries so that there is a sense of safety and contentment in the home. 

On the other hand, some struggle to create a new family.  They are constantly drawn back to the family of their origin.  The new family they try to create suffers.  Their new roles of husband or wife, father or mother take a back seat to their long-time role of son, daughter or sibling. 

This has made me stop and take stock.  First, trying to understand what my role was as a child.  Then working to understand if I have been flexible enough to let me role shift as my family changed, as I became part of a new family system.  I can see a lot of good, but also, maybe some things that could change.

Growing Population?

     I know that Jesus Christ’s gospel has been restored in our day.  As part of that restoration, we have access to a living prophet.  Our latter-day prophets have consistently taught doctrine surrounding the family.  This includes the necessity of having a family if you hope to reach exaltation.  As well as the teaching that families are a blessing to us in mortality.

     There are individuals, often well intentioned, sometimes not, who teach ideas that oppose the doctrine of the family.  Their ideas can gain popularity and change the direction of the world.

     Have you heard of Paul R. Ehrlich’s book The Population Bomb? The book was written in 1968 by a Stanford University Professor.  The book claimed an “increasingly dire” situation with the state of the environment and world wide food security.  Ehrlich laid the blame for these problems on over population of the world.  He said “We must rapidly bring the world population under control, reducing the growth rate to zero.”

     Whether or not you have heard of the book, you have undoubtedly seen the effects of this popular publication and others like it.  Worldwide Population by Year shows that accelerating population growth began to continuously fall immediately after the book’s publication until present day (2018).  Many would see this as a victory.  The calamities foretold by Ehrlich had been averted (even though he thought they couldn’t be averted).  No mass starvation and we have yet to run out of natural resources!

     As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have repeatedly been taught that we are to marry and have children. Under the direction of our Heavenly Father and in partnership with Him we are to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28 KJV).  This command has never been rescinded.

     While Ehrlich may have had good intentions, he couldn’t see the future.  He could theorize and predict, but not with certainty. Many studies and theories offer us valuable information to try and better our efforts at protecting families and the world we live in.  The spirit of discernment is so necessary to decide which information we will use and which should be discarded.  If the information we have directly opposes what we are being taught by living prophets, there is definitely cause for concern.  We don’t want to blindly put our trust in the arm of flesh. If we want to be led and protected, we have to go to the right sources and often exercise a bit of faith.

     Ehrlich has been called a prophet by some, but does not have true authority as a prophet.  Many continue to give his book and predictions a lot of weight.  Sadly, we have seen that not only were his predictions wrong, but the downward trend of birth rate he called for has had other unintentional consequences.

     With lower birth rate we decrease in human capital.  This is the idea that there will be less knowledge, skill, and information with a declining population.  This leads to either an increase in effort from the remaining population to make up the difference or a decrease in economic growth.

     We also see a decline in moral capital as birth rates decline.  As less people choose to have children or even marry, their focus turns to the individual.  The morals and values that shape a community and were taught in the family start to decline and disappear.  Self becomes more important than community.

     Another economic consequence is that we could possibly see a big crash in the real estate market with current trends.  The baby boomer generation is highly educated and paid well for that education.  They have aided construction booms.  As they get older, they will start to downsize their homes or leave them altogether for assisted care facilities.  The following generations don’t have the need or desire to buy their large homes.  There will be more inventory than demand.

   One other consequence is having an aged population.  This means there are more aged people that need to be taken care of than young population that can take care of them.  The burden on the young population becomes great. We would likely see an increase in taxes as fewer people are in the working force. We also could see a shortage of products and services available to take care of the aged. 
     
     Have you been affected by false teachings about the family in your life?  How do you weed out false teachings from the truth as you seek increased understanding?  I’d love to hear your response!

It has been awhile since I blogged.  I'm feeling a little rusty.  I am currently enrolled in Family Relations at BYU-Idaho.  As part of the class, we have been encouraged to start a blog to share what we are learning.  I am excited to do this.  I have a HUGE extended family.  Each member in that family has unique experiences and is at different stages in life.  Having a spot where I can share what I've learned and get their feedback in return should be a lot of fun. If you are a stranger to me and mine, I hope we can strike up some good conversations through this avenue.  I hope you'll free to comment, but do so in a respectful and kind manner.  We are all doing the best we can to figure things out.