Many in todays culture don’t see the value of saving physical intimacy for marriage.  But, did you know that sex can be alienating as well as bonding?

Studies have shown that sex without emotional intimacy is of little or not value.  It has been shown that things like ease with which difference are handled, the extent of affection shown between partners, the degree of commitment to the marriage and the amount of self-disclosure are all more important intimacy factors than sex.  At best, casual sex fails to fulfill our intimacy needs.  At worst, it leaves us feeling more empty and lonely than we were before the experience.  Sex is unlikely to break up a marriage or keep it together, but a good sex life can greatly enhance the quality of a couple’s intimacy. (Lauer, Ch. 4: Sexuality)

I think one of the key ingredients for why physical intimacy should be saved for marriage is the commitment level that is important to the success of intimate relations.  It either is not present at all or enough in couples that are not married.

Hollywood would have you think that sex is always amazing, easy, and gratifying.  The truth is that it takes work just like any other part of a relationship.  It will take a commitment to the relationship. For instance, sex can be alienating when you don’t understand why it is important to your spouse or how to help them have the best experience.  Many think they can just act on instinct and do what comes naturally to them.  If that is how you feel, then this may be a case of you just don’t know what you don’t know. 

Good Physical intimacy takes a lot of communication.  To start that communication, it is very helpful to understand the male and female response.  For example: women desire physical intimacy when they feel safe, warm, and loved, men desire physical intimacy to experience feelings of safety, warmth, and love.  Do you see the possible disconnect there?  A man might feel some distance in the relationship and want to repair it, so he seeks physical intimacy.  The woman, who also feels that distance, is upset because she feels that the physical intimacy should come after repair is made.  She may feel like he sees her as just a means to his own gratification.  He may see her as cold and having no desire to fix their relationship.  It isn’t a matter of one being right and one wrong, this is how men and women are wired!  Understanding this one difference between men and women can go along ways towards the couple working out the differences and coming to a place where they both get their needs met.  Usually it takes some selflessness on the part of one, or preferably, both.

If you were to act purely on instinct, you and your spouse would likely be at odds over physical intimacy at least some of the time, but likely often.  I have wondered sometimes why we are so different.  It seems that God would want things to be more harmonious in our relationships.  I think it is important to remember that the fastest growth comes when we experience hardship or trials.  Navigating physical intimacy gives a couple the opportunity to grow together.  Our differences are not a curse!  They are a blessing from a loving God that wants us to become more than we are.  He wants us to turn away from the natural man because the natural man is an enemy to God.  What he wants for us is supernatural.

 If we want to have a physically intimate relationship that makes us more like God, it will take effort. We will have to turn away from our natural instinct and work to be supernatural.  It will take selflessness, kindness, and real love.  But, I think you’ll find the effort worth it.

You just got married.  Everything is blissfully wonderful.  The Honeymoon was great, but now it is time to settle down into every day life.  The cynics would claim “It’s all downhill from here.” Is that true?  I guess it depends on your expectations for marriage.  If you are hoping to live life with butterflies swirling in your stomach, a twitter pated mind, and heated passion all in daily doses, then the critics are right.  It is all downhill from here.  Those kinds of feelings are possible and good in a marriage, but don’t continue at a honeymoon rate.  I think that is a good thing.  Feeling that way is consuming and exhausting.  It doesn’t give much room for jobs, chores, kids, etc.  Despite that, I hope that you can see that it is all uphill from here.  The rest of your marriage is an amazing opportunity for growth individually and together.  Your marriage can become something steady that brings your much comfort in a crazy world.

If we go into marriage with realistic ideas about marriage the transitions we go through from honeymoon to everyday life and everyday life to life with kids can be something we are prepared for.  Everyone goes into marriage with private contracts.  A private contract involves the assumptions that each makes about the nature of the relationships and their mutual obligations (Lauer & Lauer, Getting married).  It is important that you realize this.  Since you and your spouse will come to the marriage with assumptions that were never talked about, it will be important for you to be ready to negotiate.

 The more you know each other before marriage and really talk, the less likely these assumptions are about really weighty matters, but there is never a guarantee.  Sometimes things come up that we never thought to even talk about. Also, we are always changing so our opinions are likely to change sometimes too.  Maybe you and your spouse talked about who would work and provide for the family, or when to have children, and how many.  Can you see where this is headed?  The two of you decided that both of you could work but that you would like to have children as well.  Maybe the conversation didn’t go much deeper than that.  You are a year or two into marriage and talk of children comes up. What assumptions might show up?  Maybe the husband expects that the wife will leave here just starting career for the next 5-20 years to bear and raise the children.  Maybe the wife assumes they will wait a few more years before having children so she can enjoy building her career a little longer.  Maybe the wife expects that she will bear children, but that here husband will stay home with them because she has a more lucrative career.

While this conflict can be difficult to negotiate, the opportunity to work together has potential to strengthen the marriage. We know from scripture that we could have no joy if we knew no misery (2 Nephi 2:23).  Conflict and struggle in our marriage give us opportunities to make choices that lead to our greatest joy.  As we negotiate life’s decisions as a couple and with the help of our Heavenly Father, we come to an agreement on how to proceed together, we develop more cohesion in our relationship, our marriage gains strength, and it becomes the steady institution we can rely on throughout the years.

We will have a multitude of big and small opportunities to negotiate through our private contracts or assumptions as a couple.  I hope you can see the blessings that are available through consistent effort to work together.  It takes a lot of commitment to your spouse and to God, but it is so worth it!

This week was fun in my class.  We talked about preparing for marriage.  The main focus of the discussion was the importance of dating.

The dating culture in my little town is bizarre.  High School kids go to elaborate efforts to ask others to the school dances.  It often involves posters, candy, doorbell ditching, and even flash mobs.  Sometimes the efforts are video taped to post on social media later.  After one is asked, the invited returns answer with equally elaborate plans.  The kids don’t seem to feel that you can just call someone up and ask them on a date.

After the kids ask someone to the dance, they also plan a “day date” for before the dance.  These often last several hours.  These “dates” are a marathon!  So much effort and money are put into these dates that the kids don’t date much between the events.

The college kids have struggles of their own.  I think because they attend a religious institution that encourages focus on marriage, they get confused and skip right over casual dating to courtship.  Meaning they don’t get to know many different people in different situations before they pair off exclusively.  They pair off after one good date and get more serious than the relationship really warrants.

There are a few dangers in these practices.  The all-important step of casual dating is being skipped.  If you are casually dating, you don’t expect the relationship to become a romance.  It doesn’t mean it can’t lead there, but that isn’t your focus starting out. Casual dating needs to meet three simple requirements.  It needs to be planned, paid for, and paired off.  There are a multitude of options.  Ice cream and a walk around the park, hiking, cultural events, a picnic, roller skating, service projects, or cooking together.   

Why does it matter whether or not you date a lot?  Dating gives you the opportunity to understand what personality traits inspire, uplift, and recharge you.  Going on more than one date with a person helps you to see how they will react in different situations.  Are they head strong, bossy, or controlling?  Are they patient, fun-loving, or talkative? 

Casual dating also gives you the opportunity to hone skills you will need for a healthy marriage later.  According to “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, we understand that some of mens main responsibilities are to preside, protect, and provide in a family.  Women are primarily responsible for nurturing.  Dating gives many opportunities to practice these roles.  When a man makes the effort to ask a woman out and plan a date, he is presiding or organizing and overseeing the date.  When he comes up with the resources to make the date happen, he practices providing.  When he looks after the comfort and well-being of his date he practices protecting.  Women are able to practice nurturing on a date as they make an effort to enjoy and engage in planned activities.  She can help the man to understand what is important with her kind feedback.  She can also nurture his self-confidence as she shows appreciation for his efforts.

I don’t want you to think that I am pushing for casual dating forever. Steady dating or courtship are a good and necessary step leading to engagement and marriage.  When a young person is at a stage in life where they can commit to someone completely, steady dating is encouraged.  I just think that when we skip to steady dating without a lot of casual dating first, we damage our chances of finding a truly good match for ourselves.  We also miss out on the opportunity to develop the skills we will need to fill our roles later in marriage.  

How can we shift the culture of dating back to a healthier one?

This week in class we covered a pretty sensitive topic.  We discussed the eternal nature of gender.  We read several studies and articles that showed gender differences that are apparent from birth.  We also talked about how this related to the LGBTQ community and families.

This can be an explosive topic.  Those that have same sex attraction (SSA) or gender dysphoria (GD-identifying as the opposite gender) have often felt attacked.  Conversely, those that feel same sex attraction or gender dysphoria can be treated or “cured” are often labeled as homophobic or bigots.

I have many people I love that have been in the middle of these struggles.   I have watched them try to navigate these waters and I truly ache for them.  I hope that the things I share today don’t cause additional injury. 

Often in the media these days we hear that people with SSA or GD are born that way.  We may have been told there is a gene that causes this.  If we go back to the studies that supposedly claimed this, we can see that those were not the conclusions of the studies at all.  The media jumped on one little portion of the studies, often out of context, and ran with it.  Many of those that organized the studies corrected the erroneous assumptions, but they weren’t loud enough to undo the media craze.  In a study called “Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable? What Science Can and Cannot Say,” Lisa Diamond, noted: "It may well be that for now, the safest way to advocate for lesbian/gay/bisexual rights is to keep propagating a deterministic model: sexual minorities are born that way and can never be otherwise. If this is an easier route to acceptance (which may in fact be the case), is it really so bad that it is inaccurate?”

Whether or not I agree with the choices those with SSA and GD make, I can definitely get behind loving them.  Many would see accepting all of their lifestyle actions as loving.  I see that as tolerant, but not necessarily loving.  I believe that the loving thing to do is to help people be as happy and healthy as possible. 

Why do I care to share information that might suggest that you are not born with SSA or GD? Studies show that acting on SSA or GD often cause more depression and anxiety in individuals.  Those that decide to follow through on surgical sex-reassignment had a 20x increased likelihood of suicide. Individuals that engage in homosexual behavior have a highly increased rate of STD’s (including HIV for men particularly).  Of course, some of my concern also comes from my belief that engaging in homosexual behaviors or going to the extreme of sex-reassignment may distance you from the path that leads back to eternal life with our loving Heavenly Father. I share these things because love is showing a concern for the welfare of others.

I don’t pretend that these few paragraphs explain everything surrounding the issue.  They are my little soundbite from class discussion this week.  What I’ve shared outlines some of the dangers associated with engaging in homosexual and GD behaviors.

Agency is huge in all of this.  There are those that don’t want change even when they understand the risks of their behavior.  We see this in different aspects of people’s lives.  They may choose to indulge in drinking alcohol, gambling, toxic relationships, and so on.  The same is true for this subject. Some don’t want change and I don’t think it should be a forced issue.  I also don’t think we should love them any less than those that engage in other behaviors.  I understand that choice has consequence and that both sides of this issue have hefty consequences individuals have to deal with.  Only they can decide which burden they will shoulder.

I do believe that they should have help if they want to avoid engaging in these behaviors or leave them behind. That can only happen if individuals that are struggling know that there are resources out there. The propaganda surrounding this may make it hard to find the resources they need, but there is help for those looking for it.

I don’t believe I know everything about this issue, most of us have only scratched the surface.  I hope that sharing these things I have learned offer hope not condemnation and that you understand I share them to offer hope, love, and support for those that are experiencing unwanted SSA or GD.

If you’d like to take a look at the readings from class, check out the following:

Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: Where to Turn and How to Help https://www.amazon.com/Where-Turn-How-Help-Understanding/dp/B00KCVKNW2/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Understanding+Same-Sex+Attraction%3A+Where+to+Turn+and+How+to+Help&qid=1581104596&sr=8-2

https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/06/15145/

https://www.acpeds.org/normalizing-gender-dysphoria-is-dangerous-and-unethical?utm_source=email+marketing+Mailigen&utm_campaign=News+8.10.16&utm_medium=email

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM