Many in todays culture don’t see the value of saving physical intimacy for marriage.  But, did you know that sex can be alienating as well as bonding?

Studies have shown that sex without emotional intimacy is of little or not value.  It has been shown that things like ease with which difference are handled, the extent of affection shown between partners, the degree of commitment to the marriage and the amount of self-disclosure are all more important intimacy factors than sex.  At best, casual sex fails to fulfill our intimacy needs.  At worst, it leaves us feeling more empty and lonely than we were before the experience.  Sex is unlikely to break up a marriage or keep it together, but a good sex life can greatly enhance the quality of a couple’s intimacy. (Lauer, Ch. 4: Sexuality)

I think one of the key ingredients for why physical intimacy should be saved for marriage is the commitment level that is important to the success of intimate relations.  It either is not present at all or enough in couples that are not married.

Hollywood would have you think that sex is always amazing, easy, and gratifying.  The truth is that it takes work just like any other part of a relationship.  It will take a commitment to the relationship. For instance, sex can be alienating when you don’t understand why it is important to your spouse or how to help them have the best experience.  Many think they can just act on instinct and do what comes naturally to them.  If that is how you feel, then this may be a case of you just don’t know what you don’t know. 

Good Physical intimacy takes a lot of communication.  To start that communication, it is very helpful to understand the male and female response.  For example: women desire physical intimacy when they feel safe, warm, and loved, men desire physical intimacy to experience feelings of safety, warmth, and love.  Do you see the possible disconnect there?  A man might feel some distance in the relationship and want to repair it, so he seeks physical intimacy.  The woman, who also feels that distance, is upset because she feels that the physical intimacy should come after repair is made.  She may feel like he sees her as just a means to his own gratification.  He may see her as cold and having no desire to fix their relationship.  It isn’t a matter of one being right and one wrong, this is how men and women are wired!  Understanding this one difference between men and women can go along ways towards the couple working out the differences and coming to a place where they both get their needs met.  Usually it takes some selflessness on the part of one, or preferably, both.

If you were to act purely on instinct, you and your spouse would likely be at odds over physical intimacy at least some of the time, but likely often.  I have wondered sometimes why we are so different.  It seems that God would want things to be more harmonious in our relationships.  I think it is important to remember that the fastest growth comes when we experience hardship or trials.  Navigating physical intimacy gives a couple the opportunity to grow together.  Our differences are not a curse!  They are a blessing from a loving God that wants us to become more than we are.  He wants us to turn away from the natural man because the natural man is an enemy to God.  What he wants for us is supernatural.

 If we want to have a physically intimate relationship that makes us more like God, it will take effort. We will have to turn away from our natural instinct and work to be supernatural.  It will take selflessness, kindness, and real love.  But, I think you’ll find the effort worth it.