Divorce is a tough subject.  With all of the emotions wrapped up in it as well as social pressures, it is common that outsiders don’t get the full picture.  We may know of an incident that is being blamed for the divorce, but rarely is it that simple.    Studies show that even in the case if infidelity, many couples are able to recover and even have a better/stronger marriage.  You usually can’t blame one event.

If you are an outsider, looking in, it may be helpful for you to understand the process many that divorce go through.  Many that divorce are likely go through different stations in the process.  Maybe you’ve observed these stations, but didn’t have a name for them.  Being aware of this may help you better understand the multitude of difficulties individuals face from a divorce. 

The legal divorce is the paperwork.  It is probably what most of us think about when we think about divorce. It severs the legal union.  There are many more areas that the divorce affects a family than just its legal standing.

Often, the couple divorces emotionally before anything else.  They stop relying on each other emotionally.  There is a loss of trust, respect, and affection.  They often start to intentionally hurt each other during this phase and grate on each other a lot.

Those with children experience a co-parental divorce.  During this phase, decisions have to be made about custody, visitations, and continued responsibilities.  This is painful for all involved.  The children especially feel split between their loyalty for each parent.

The economic part of the divorce is a division of assets.  This usually leads to both of the divorcees less able to provide the standard of living they are accustomed to.

Most marriages have “friends of the marriage”.  During community divorce, the couple separates from many of the friends of the marriage.  Usually friends of the marriage feel obligated to side with one or the other.  Often, one or both of the divorces moves after a divorce.  This leads to a separation from neighborhood, familiar church congregations, support groups, etc.

The last station is the psychic divorce.  This is an acceptance that you are no longer part of a couple.  You have to regain a sense of individual.  Sadly, some are never able to move through this phase.  They always feel connected to the former spouse-to the extent that they can’t move on and form lasting relationships with others.

So, why do we talk about this difficult subject?  For a couple of reasons.  One, when you understand the difficulties in divorce (not to mention remarriage), you may have a desire to more readily support those that are doing all they can to save a marriage.  One study showed that of those that were very dissatisfied with their marriage, 70% were quite satisfied 5 years later.  Sometimes, the relationship just needs time.  We want to encourage our friends and family to truly give their best to saving their marriages. 

Another reason to talk about it, is to help people understand the grieving process individuals of divorce will go through.  Sometimes, no matter how much effort is put into saving a marriage, it isn’t possible.  The other spouse may not be interested in saving the marriage.  Also, there are the occasional reasons that divorce is acceptable.  Those that are choosing divorce as well as those that support those individuals need to understand that the divorce will touch every aspect of their lives.  Grief is a deep sorrow we feel over loss.  It is often used in conjunction with the death of a loved one.  Those going through divorce will experience grief as well.  They grieve the death of the marriage and all that encompasses.

I know this was a bit of a heavy post today, but I hope that you can better understand the pain that those that divorce experience.  I also hope that it gives you incentive to give your best to difficult relationships.