Communicating in relationships can be tricky.  Talk to any marriage therapist and they’ll tell you that many couples give poor communication as one of the reasons they are seeking help.  It seems like it should be so easy, but in reality, it isn’t.  Good communication can make us feel very vulnerable.  Sharing our dreams and our weaknesses with someone offers them a lot of power.  They can use that for good or bad.  If we want to respect that vulnerability in our spouse, we need to be good communicators too.  The first step to that is being a good listener.

There are a lot of ways to improve our listening skills.  We can work to resist distractions, control our emotions and tendency to respond before our partner is finished, ask questions and rephrase to clarify meaning, and we especially need to practice! (Lauer & Lauer, The Challenge of Communication).

What about sharing what is in your heart?  Self-disclosure brings unity to a couple, but it is only really helpful if the self-disclosure is by both partners and is equitable.  Another thing to remember with self-disclosure is that it should be done with discretion.  Lauer & Lauer said “you can disclose anything, but should not disclose everything.  If you can handle it in other ways, you should not disclose things that would hurt or anger your spouse.”  I think this is great advice.  We don’t need to bring up every petty thought that crosses our mind.  Quality is important in self-disclosure, not just quantity.

This brings us to another aspect of communication.  Sometimes, subjects do need to be brought up that are painful.  They may cause disagreements.  Lauer & Lauer suggest there is such a thing as good fighting.  They offer several ideas for communicating well through conflict.  They suggest that you maintain your perspective (stay focused on the important issues), avoid festering resentments, communicate without ceasing (avoid the silent treatment), be flexible and willing to compromise, use conflict to attack problems-not your spouse, and keep loving while you are fighting (act out of love for your spouse, not a need to be right).  Following these ideas can turn conflict into a time for growth in a relationship instead of a roadblock.

Even after we start to understand some of these rules, it is still tricky.  In part, this has to do with the fact that we communicate with more than just our words.  We also use body language and tone.  We believe tone and body language over words most of the time.  You know the examples; we’ve heard them a hundred times.  You ask your wife if anything is wrong and she answers with a stony faced, flat, “I’m fine.”  Obviously, she is not fine.  To be a good communicator, you have to learn to “listen” to body language and tone as well.  This skill helps you to decode the message your spouse is trying to send.

I think one of the best things about this subject, is that with a little training and practice, it is something we can all become good at.  Also, the efforts are so worth it.  I don’t remember who my professor quoted, but in class the other day he said, “Being understood, especially by those who are most important to us, is like oxygen to us.”  I relate to this idea!  I don’t know how many times I’ve told my husband that I don’t want to have everything that men have.  I’m not some ultra-feminist that wants equal everything, but it is so important to me to feel understood and valued for my thoughts, opinions, and ideas.

In our highly digitized world, I believe good face to face communication is something we have to schedule time for.  We have to put the effort in.  Our relationships will flourish under that attention.