Divorce is a tough subject.  With all of the emotions wrapped up in it as well as social pressures, it is common that outsiders don’t get the full picture.  We may know of an incident that is being blamed for the divorce, but rarely is it that simple.    Studies show that even in the case if infidelity, many couples are able to recover and even have a better/stronger marriage.  You usually can’t blame one event.

If you are an outsider, looking in, it may be helpful for you to understand the process many that divorce go through.  Many that divorce are likely go through different stations in the process.  Maybe you’ve observed these stations, but didn’t have a name for them.  Being aware of this may help you better understand the multitude of difficulties individuals face from a divorce. 

The legal divorce is the paperwork.  It is probably what most of us think about when we think about divorce. It severs the legal union.  There are many more areas that the divorce affects a family than just its legal standing.

Often, the couple divorces emotionally before anything else.  They stop relying on each other emotionally.  There is a loss of trust, respect, and affection.  They often start to intentionally hurt each other during this phase and grate on each other a lot.

Those with children experience a co-parental divorce.  During this phase, decisions have to be made about custody, visitations, and continued responsibilities.  This is painful for all involved.  The children especially feel split between their loyalty for each parent.

The economic part of the divorce is a division of assets.  This usually leads to both of the divorcees less able to provide the standard of living they are accustomed to.

Most marriages have “friends of the marriage”.  During community divorce, the couple separates from many of the friends of the marriage.  Usually friends of the marriage feel obligated to side with one or the other.  Often, one or both of the divorces moves after a divorce.  This leads to a separation from neighborhood, familiar church congregations, support groups, etc.

The last station is the psychic divorce.  This is an acceptance that you are no longer part of a couple.  You have to regain a sense of individual.  Sadly, some are never able to move through this phase.  They always feel connected to the former spouse-to the extent that they can’t move on and form lasting relationships with others.

So, why do we talk about this difficult subject?  For a couple of reasons.  One, when you understand the difficulties in divorce (not to mention remarriage), you may have a desire to more readily support those that are doing all they can to save a marriage.  One study showed that of those that were very dissatisfied with their marriage, 70% were quite satisfied 5 years later.  Sometimes, the relationship just needs time.  We want to encourage our friends and family to truly give their best to saving their marriages. 

Another reason to talk about it, is to help people understand the grieving process individuals of divorce will go through.  Sometimes, no matter how much effort is put into saving a marriage, it isn’t possible.  The other spouse may not be interested in saving the marriage.  Also, there are the occasional reasons that divorce is acceptable.  Those that are choosing divorce as well as those that support those individuals need to understand that the divorce will touch every aspect of their lives.  Grief is a deep sorrow we feel over loss.  It is often used in conjunction with the death of a loved one.  Those going through divorce will experience grief as well.  They grieve the death of the marriage and all that encompasses.

I know this was a bit of a heavy post today, but I hope that you can better understand the pain that those that divorce experience.  I also hope that it gives you incentive to give your best to difficult relationships.

Parenting is hard! With an abundance of information available at the click of a button, you would think it would be easier than ever before.  Sadly, that’s not the case.  In an online article called The collapse of parenting, Katie Hurley, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles an author said, “We’ve been conditioned to question ourselves-to constantly look for information to make sure we’re doing it right.  Because of that, parents are in a state of learned helplessness.”  Have you ever felt that way?  I know I have.  Even in the reading for my class this week, there were articles that talked about how parents need to ‘grow up’.  It outlined that parents need to be authoritative and tell their kids what they need to do rather than asking so much.  To be respectful, but be the decider.  As well as don’t be overly worried about pleasing your kids.    Overall, these ideas mostly make sense, but does anyone else struggle to walk the fine line they seem to require?  I’ve been trying my whole life to figure out that balance, and it isn’t easy!

One thing I’ve learned this week about being the decider while being respectful, is that I need to watch my tone of voice and word choice.  Expectations need to be firm, but they can always be kind.  Also, choices can be given some of the time, but other times our children don’t have the maturity to make good decisions.  Those are the times they need to be told what to do.

Another thing I’ve been learning lately that was reinforced this week is that conflict is unavoidable, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect a troubled relationship.  Another comment from the article I read said, “parents must have a higher tolerance for things not going well.”  For me, that is kind of profound.  When something I say sets one of my children off into a moody fit, I have a tendency to question myself.  I think that if they are feeling that way, I must have been unkind.  As I’ve tried to look back on my interactions with my children, I have found that many things that upset my children are kind but firm expectations.  My children are learning how to throw off the natural man and become more like God.  That doesn’t come easy for anyone.  The natural man often goes down kicking and screaming!  The conflict is between that goal of becoming more like God and our natural tendency to do what is easy or comfortable.  I have to work to not take it personally.

In the article, Cathy Gulli said, “parenting is awfully frustrating and often a lonely place.”  That is why we have to fortify ourselves against the temptation to “please our kids as a way of satisfying our own need for affection.”  I think this can be taken the wrong way.  I don’t think she is saying we can’t expect affection in those relationships at all, but I do think she is commenting on the fact that as we are raising our children, we have to be a parent first and a friend second.  She also said to, “establish a network of surrogate caregivers who will not undermine your authority, but will back you up when you need help.”  This can be teachers, relative, or neighbors.  I think this is key to helping us stand strong in our duties as parents.  I love that I have relatives, church associates, neighbors, and teachers that want my kids to succeed.  Their support buoys me up when it is difficult to stand strong as a parent.

I believe that as I put in the time to parent now, to the best of my abilities, my relationships with my children can shift into friendship with great adults one day.

We read an interesting article this week called Family Work (found in the BYU magazine in the Spring of 2000).  It talked about how the family environment has changed since the 1800’s. During that time it was very common that the work of providing for a family was family work.  While dad might primarily take care of the outside work of planting and caring for animals and mom might primarily take care of cooking, preserving food, etc. all of the work was shared.  The kids worked alongside both mom and dad. Boys were taught how to become men of integrity through daily prolonged example. Over time, there was a shift. Money to purchase goods others made became important.  Children wanted more schooling to pursue careers in the sciences, etc. This shift started to separate the family for much of the day. Dad went off to work in the factory, mine, or mill for many hours each day. Children went to school.  Mom was home to care for the home and younger children. A deeper division in roles formed and sadly the role that brought in the money became paramount in the minds of many. Family work or the work of the home became “women’s” work and was often devalued.

We know that not everything revolving around this revolution is bad.  Many discoveries and technologies have been discovered that have blessed many lives. The question is what we are going to do with those blessings.  When we have technology that minimizes efforts to do our work, what do we do with that extra time? Work is a building influence in individuals and families.  it also has the potential to unify families. We still want work in our lives even if the nature of the work is different than in the past. Have you ever had one of those weekends where everyone is feeling low on energy and you end up binge watching Netflix for most of a Saturday?  How did you feel after? Usually there is a feeling of disconnect. Disconnect from family, from God, even from your own mind. Compare that to a day of work or wholesome recreation with your family. When we use our bodies, as many senses as we can, to do something productive, we feel empowered.  We feel closer to those we did the activities with. We feel energized and accomplished!

How do we recapture some of the closeness and opportunities that families had when working together?  One of my favorite ideas is to follow the counsel of our prophets and plant a garden. A family garden gives the whole family the opportunity to work together. It helps teach the law of the harvest to our children.  You reap what you sow. 

Another idea is to include children in the chores of a home.  We have tried in our family to do this in many ways over the years.  Some have been more successful than others. Most recently, we agree on a specified amount of time to work on cleaning up the house and then everyone puts in their best effort for that time.  This allows everyone to contribute at their level. I have loved this. It gives me an opportunity to work alongside my kids. It also allows them to use their interests and strengths. For the most part, everyone is allowed to choose the area they want to clean.  You just jump in and get started. I have noticed more unity from our efforts and less fighting over the chore routine. I am hoping that it is seen as a shared family event instead of a monotonous to-do list. 

I think one other place we can work to recapture the “family work” idea of the past is to have husband and wife communicate and work together in their roles as much as possible.  The husband may ask the wife her preferences on where he works, what hours he’ll work, if he’ll come home for lunch, or if he’ll commute or not (these may not always be choices we’ll have, but often they can be).  The wife can counsel with her husband about the children, the family budget, and what recreational activities to do with the family. The more the couple includes each other in their roles, the more they belong to the family instead of being “his” or “hers”.  

What do you do in your family to maintain family cohesion despite our busy separate schedules?

Communicating in relationships can be tricky.  Talk to any marriage therapist and they’ll tell you that many couples give poor communication as one of the reasons they are seeking help.  It seems like it should be so easy, but in reality, it isn’t.  Good communication can make us feel very vulnerable.  Sharing our dreams and our weaknesses with someone offers them a lot of power.  They can use that for good or bad.  If we want to respect that vulnerability in our spouse, we need to be good communicators too.  The first step to that is being a good listener.

There are a lot of ways to improve our listening skills.  We can work to resist distractions, control our emotions and tendency to respond before our partner is finished, ask questions and rephrase to clarify meaning, and we especially need to practice! (Lauer & Lauer, The Challenge of Communication).

What about sharing what is in your heart?  Self-disclosure brings unity to a couple, but it is only really helpful if the self-disclosure is by both partners and is equitable.  Another thing to remember with self-disclosure is that it should be done with discretion.  Lauer & Lauer said “you can disclose anything, but should not disclose everything.  If you can handle it in other ways, you should not disclose things that would hurt or anger your spouse.”  I think this is great advice.  We don’t need to bring up every petty thought that crosses our mind.  Quality is important in self-disclosure, not just quantity.

This brings us to another aspect of communication.  Sometimes, subjects do need to be brought up that are painful.  They may cause disagreements.  Lauer & Lauer suggest there is such a thing as good fighting.  They offer several ideas for communicating well through conflict.  They suggest that you maintain your perspective (stay focused on the important issues), avoid festering resentments, communicate without ceasing (avoid the silent treatment), be flexible and willing to compromise, use conflict to attack problems-not your spouse, and keep loving while you are fighting (act out of love for your spouse, not a need to be right).  Following these ideas can turn conflict into a time for growth in a relationship instead of a roadblock.

Even after we start to understand some of these rules, it is still tricky.  In part, this has to do with the fact that we communicate with more than just our words.  We also use body language and tone.  We believe tone and body language over words most of the time.  You know the examples; we’ve heard them a hundred times.  You ask your wife if anything is wrong and she answers with a stony faced, flat, “I’m fine.”  Obviously, she is not fine.  To be a good communicator, you have to learn to “listen” to body language and tone as well.  This skill helps you to decode the message your spouse is trying to send.

I think one of the best things about this subject, is that with a little training and practice, it is something we can all become good at.  Also, the efforts are so worth it.  I don’t remember who my professor quoted, but in class the other day he said, “Being understood, especially by those who are most important to us, is like oxygen to us.”  I relate to this idea!  I don’t know how many times I’ve told my husband that I don’t want to have everything that men have.  I’m not some ultra-feminist that wants equal everything, but it is so important to me to feel understood and valued for my thoughts, opinions, and ideas.

In our highly digitized world, I believe good face to face communication is something we have to schedule time for.  We have to put the effort in.  Our relationships will flourish under that attention.

When you hear the word stress, what do you think?  Is it a bad word, the cause of all your tension headaches and high blood pressure?  Many of us feel that way about stress, but stress isn’t always a negative thing.  For example, when we stress our muscles through an exercise routine, we cause them to improve.  The way our body reacts to danger is also a stress response.  Our body automatically goes into a flight, fight, or freeze mode when we are presented with danger.  That is usually a good thing.  Interestingly, even if we perceive a danger our body reacts the same.  This is important to understand if we want to be compassionate to others. 

Maybe you have a couple of friends that have just found out they are expecting recently.  This event is likely to cause stress.  Despite that, one couple may be overjoyed, while the other may be struggling a bit more.  When we only look at the even itself, it’s hard to understand why they react so differently.  If the first couple has been expecting and planning for this child, then this is seen as a challenge and an opportunity. Kind of like exercising with the purpose of muscle growth.  If the second couple has had many miscarriages or has recently lost a job, another child at this time may cause distress. 

A couple of things can add to the stress the second couple is feeling.  First, are the resources they have available to deal with the stressful event.  If the husband just lost his job, then it is likely that they just lost their insurance as well.  A pregnancy, especially a high risk one, without health insurance is scary.  Other resources that they may or may not have are: extended family that live nearby to help, qualified specialists to deal with the health risks they are facing, and of course money. 

Another thing that adds to the stress is the couple’s perception.  With the past experience of miscarriages, they may feel that this one is doomed as well.  If you face a stressor from the onset with a perception like that, it is going to be difficult to deal with.

When you understand the behind-the-scenes story of your friends a little better or even just recognize that there is a behind-the-scenes story, you are likely to react with compassion towards someone who is struggling.  You can become one of their resources to help them through the stressful events.

Even when an event in someone’s life causes a lot of distress, it can have a positive outcome.  Just like the example of the muscle growth, we can grow emotionally, spiritually, and physically through our struggles. 

A family, just like the couple we were talking about earlier, can still survive a pileup of stressors, and even come out stronger, if they have some resources prepared.  Some of those resources might be: marketable skills that will help land a new job quickly, and emergency fund, or participation in community and faith organizations that may lend emotional and even financial support.

Those resources may help with the other key to whether or not a stress becomes unbearable, our perception.   Having abundant resources may change how you perceive your stressor.  They help you to reframe the stressor in a more positive light.  Instead of thoughts like, “how will we ever make it through this?”  You are able to say, “our emergency fund will get us by for x number of months,” or “God will not leave us to carry this on our own, we can lean on Him”.  Those statements are powerful in helping someone cope with stress.  When you are able to navigate the stressors in your life and overcome, your self-confidence and abilities improve. 

I hope that you can see that sometimes events that may seem minor to you can be overwhelming for others.  In those instances, we need to be compassionate and “lift up the hands which hang down”.  I also hope that you can see why it is important to gain all the good resources you can to help you manage the stressors that will come up in your life.  A good relationship with God, good relationships with family and community, marketable skills, and monetary safety nets are just a few.  Then, despite the discomfort and even pain of the stressors we face, we can come out on the other side stronger.

Many in todays culture don’t see the value of saving physical intimacy for marriage.  But, did you know that sex can be alienating as well as bonding?

Studies have shown that sex without emotional intimacy is of little or not value.  It has been shown that things like ease with which difference are handled, the extent of affection shown between partners, the degree of commitment to the marriage and the amount of self-disclosure are all more important intimacy factors than sex.  At best, casual sex fails to fulfill our intimacy needs.  At worst, it leaves us feeling more empty and lonely than we were before the experience.  Sex is unlikely to break up a marriage or keep it together, but a good sex life can greatly enhance the quality of a couple’s intimacy. (Lauer, Ch. 4: Sexuality)

I think one of the key ingredients for why physical intimacy should be saved for marriage is the commitment level that is important to the success of intimate relations.  It either is not present at all or enough in couples that are not married.

Hollywood would have you think that sex is always amazing, easy, and gratifying.  The truth is that it takes work just like any other part of a relationship.  It will take a commitment to the relationship. For instance, sex can be alienating when you don’t understand why it is important to your spouse or how to help them have the best experience.  Many think they can just act on instinct and do what comes naturally to them.  If that is how you feel, then this may be a case of you just don’t know what you don’t know. 

Good Physical intimacy takes a lot of communication.  To start that communication, it is very helpful to understand the male and female response.  For example: women desire physical intimacy when they feel safe, warm, and loved, men desire physical intimacy to experience feelings of safety, warmth, and love.  Do you see the possible disconnect there?  A man might feel some distance in the relationship and want to repair it, so he seeks physical intimacy.  The woman, who also feels that distance, is upset because she feels that the physical intimacy should come after repair is made.  She may feel like he sees her as just a means to his own gratification.  He may see her as cold and having no desire to fix their relationship.  It isn’t a matter of one being right and one wrong, this is how men and women are wired!  Understanding this one difference between men and women can go along ways towards the couple working out the differences and coming to a place where they both get their needs met.  Usually it takes some selflessness on the part of one, or preferably, both.

If you were to act purely on instinct, you and your spouse would likely be at odds over physical intimacy at least some of the time, but likely often.  I have wondered sometimes why we are so different.  It seems that God would want things to be more harmonious in our relationships.  I think it is important to remember that the fastest growth comes when we experience hardship or trials.  Navigating physical intimacy gives a couple the opportunity to grow together.  Our differences are not a curse!  They are a blessing from a loving God that wants us to become more than we are.  He wants us to turn away from the natural man because the natural man is an enemy to God.  What he wants for us is supernatural.

 If we want to have a physically intimate relationship that makes us more like God, it will take effort. We will have to turn away from our natural instinct and work to be supernatural.  It will take selflessness, kindness, and real love.  But, I think you’ll find the effort worth it.

You just got married.  Everything is blissfully wonderful.  The Honeymoon was great, but now it is time to settle down into every day life.  The cynics would claim “It’s all downhill from here.” Is that true?  I guess it depends on your expectations for marriage.  If you are hoping to live life with butterflies swirling in your stomach, a twitter pated mind, and heated passion all in daily doses, then the critics are right.  It is all downhill from here.  Those kinds of feelings are possible and good in a marriage, but don’t continue at a honeymoon rate.  I think that is a good thing.  Feeling that way is consuming and exhausting.  It doesn’t give much room for jobs, chores, kids, etc.  Despite that, I hope that you can see that it is all uphill from here.  The rest of your marriage is an amazing opportunity for growth individually and together.  Your marriage can become something steady that brings your much comfort in a crazy world.

If we go into marriage with realistic ideas about marriage the transitions we go through from honeymoon to everyday life and everyday life to life with kids can be something we are prepared for.  Everyone goes into marriage with private contracts.  A private contract involves the assumptions that each makes about the nature of the relationships and their mutual obligations (Lauer & Lauer, Getting married).  It is important that you realize this.  Since you and your spouse will come to the marriage with assumptions that were never talked about, it will be important for you to be ready to negotiate.

 The more you know each other before marriage and really talk, the less likely these assumptions are about really weighty matters, but there is never a guarantee.  Sometimes things come up that we never thought to even talk about. Also, we are always changing so our opinions are likely to change sometimes too.  Maybe you and your spouse talked about who would work and provide for the family, or when to have children, and how many.  Can you see where this is headed?  The two of you decided that both of you could work but that you would like to have children as well.  Maybe the conversation didn’t go much deeper than that.  You are a year or two into marriage and talk of children comes up. What assumptions might show up?  Maybe the husband expects that the wife will leave here just starting career for the next 5-20 years to bear and raise the children.  Maybe the wife assumes they will wait a few more years before having children so she can enjoy building her career a little longer.  Maybe the wife expects that she will bear children, but that here husband will stay home with them because she has a more lucrative career.

While this conflict can be difficult to negotiate, the opportunity to work together has potential to strengthen the marriage. We know from scripture that we could have no joy if we knew no misery (2 Nephi 2:23).  Conflict and struggle in our marriage give us opportunities to make choices that lead to our greatest joy.  As we negotiate life’s decisions as a couple and with the help of our Heavenly Father, we come to an agreement on how to proceed together, we develop more cohesion in our relationship, our marriage gains strength, and it becomes the steady institution we can rely on throughout the years.

We will have a multitude of big and small opportunities to negotiate through our private contracts or assumptions as a couple.  I hope you can see the blessings that are available through consistent effort to work together.  It takes a lot of commitment to your spouse and to God, but it is so worth it!